The Prime Says...

"Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Tubley.
Happy birthday to you."
--D.I. Prime,
violating copyright law once again¹

On March 9th, Tubley turned 21. If this is news to you, you should beg his forgiveness for your inattentiveness by sending him a belated birthday greeting. Missing his birthday demonstrates that you haven't been paying attention. Drooling Idiots fans were given plenty of warning.

We had a great time celebrating his birthday. We started off the day hanging out with a contingent of Michigan Daily staffers. This valley helped accentuate the peaks that were to follow. In the afternoon we taped the second episode of our WOLV TV show, Rasslin' Roundup. Despite a few technical difficulties we had our best show ever. We filmed a special birthday segment that, due to circumstances beyond our control, didn't get aired but we hope to run it (belatedly) on our next episode. Following that, we went out to dinner at a local bar and then visited a strip club. Tubley got blitzed on long island iced teas and did the wild thing with two strippers. The prosti... uh, ecdysiasts were my birthday present. That and a pack of Prime brand condoms. You know how we roll (or pinch the tip and unroll, as appropriate). I must say, he was far more appreciative of these women than he was of the hooker I brought him when he was fourteen.... ²

DI.com update

Since the last edition of The Prime Says, the theme song for the WOLV show "Wolverine Spotlight" has been posted. This tune features contributions by Dave Lempert (guitar) and Dani Gatewood (vocals). It's a change of pace from the typical schlock that's posted here so be sure to check it out. The host of the show, Dani Steinberg, seemed to like it. We'll see if Bess Bowers, the show's producer, approves it and lets it air.

I found out that WOLV will not being running a basketball show for the 2001-2002 season. That's unfortunate since I wrote and recorded a song for it. As soon as I can get Tubley into D.I. Labs to add a couple lines of vocals I'll post it here.

In other WOLV news, I've been named the station's unofficial music director. This essentially means nothing. I get no salary, power, office, parking space, studio access or even respect. Still, it's a nice title and I'll take it. Resume fodder with no responsibilities? I'm there, dude.

Finally, in the "saving the best for last" category, the long anticipated collaboration between 1108 Thugz and D.I. Prime appears to be imminent. The groundwork has been laid. The Thugz are down. Busta Pelvis & Puss E. Beatz are writing. Mr. Beatz is lacing a track. Air Force Captain Edward Murphy would caution against unbridled optimism and I'm inclined to heed his admonition, but things are looking good right now.

As I was walking into a Borders Books & Music store a few days ago, one of the books on the non-fiction bestsellers shelf caught my eye. You might think that I'm about to ramble about the evils of pay-for-prominence and other paradigms of product pimping. You'd be wrong. I'm not here to criticize capitalistic culture - I'll leave that to Boots Riley. I'm here to talk about the book that caught my eye: "Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm."

I admit it: I'm only human - or a straight, male Scorpio which is pretty close in most regards. When I see a book on the art of the female orgasm I feel compelled to make some time in my hectic schedule to get to know that book a little better.

As it turns out, the book is neither a collection of photographs capturing women in moments of ecstasy nor is it an olio of interpretive artwork that conveys the excitement, pleasure and bliss inherent in the visceral paroxysm of distaff sexual release. However, despite the book running afoul of my expectations, I was not disappointed to find that it was a sex manual that described, in explicit detail, how to help a woman achieve an orgasm.

"Satisfaction" was written by Kim Cattrall, famous for acting in "Porky's", "Police Academy" and "Mannequin", and her husband Mark Levinson, a jazz musician who's famous for absolutely nothing. You may wonder how these two jokers managed to parley such a lackluster curriculum vitae into a book deal. The book's promotional material goes out of its way to emphasize that Kim portrays the nutty, New York nymphomaniac Samantha Jones on the hit HBO sitcom "Sex And The City". Given the book's current bestseller status, one can only presume that the masses of people who watch "Sex And The City" are willing to overlook the fact that Kim is Kim and only pretends to be Samantha. Or, perhaps, they are incapable of making the distinction between the actress and the character and are therefore willing to take sexual advice from a woman who, according to the foreword, has had precisely 1 sexually satisfying relationship in her lifetime.

Yes, that's right. Kim Cattrall, the woman who presumes to teach us how to honor, appreciate and actualize the female orgasm, has only been having them for 3 of her 45 years. Of course, this revelation is a stroke of cross-marketing genius. Not only is this book a sex manual, it's a celebrity tell-all with the feel-good message that even you, who may not be a sexy Hollywood movie star, are probably having better sex than Kim Cattrall did for most of her life. In any event, now that she's seen a glimmer of hope in her heretofore miserable sex life, she wants to share her newly acquired expertise with us. This book contains 144 illustrated pages that are chock full of tips and tricks that get Kim to agree vehemently with her husband.

Luckily, bringing a woman to orgasm is all about book-teachable technique rather than the woman's emotional state and her connection with her partner. Otherwise, the fact that Kim has only experienced orgasm via Mark's ministrations would completely invalidate the general applicability her findings.

I'm sorry, was that sarcastic?

Let's review. Kim's qualifications are:

1. She's female.
2. She's, allegedly, had orgasms.
3. She plays a slut on TV.

Mark's qualifications are:

1. He's married to a woman who plays a slut on TV.
2. He, allegedly, rocks her world.

Think about it, you're being asked to buy a sex manual written by a woman who has only been able to achieve orgasms with one man (and not for lack of trying). Is it the man or his method? Who knows? If Kim has allowed someone else to try Mark's techniques on her, she doesn't admit to it in the book. Mark, for his part, assures us that he has pleasured a veritable army of women with his sexual skills and can thus avouch for the efficacy of his material. Uh huh. Sure. I believe it when a guy tells me about all the women he's gotten off. Don't you?

Ok, acerbic grousing aside... the book was kind of interesting. My casual perusal unearthed a couple of tricks that I'll be testing out during my next assignation. Besides, I appreciate the female orgasm as much as the next guy. Especially when the female in question is having one with me and not with the next guy. I may buy the book. Heck, I may even read it.

Yak retal,
D.I. Prime
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002

¹Yes, it's true. "Happy Birthday To You" is copyrighted. It was written in 1893 by Mildred and Patty Hill as "Good Morning To All". Years later it was republished, without the Hill sisters' permission, by Robert Coleman with the famous "happy birthday" verse appended to the sisters' original lyrics. The sisters' verse eventually disappeared and the song became a ubiquitous classic. In time, the sisters sued Mr. Coleman for violating their copyright and their estate has been doing huge business ever since. I neither got permission to quote their song nor did I pay a royalty for it. I'm a bad, bad man.

²No, I didn't really get Tubley a couple of strippers for his birthday. I was just checking to see if his antipodean girlfriend still reads The Prime Says.