"Bag The Bone"

Bag The Bone

Does anyone like condoms? We're all grateful that they stem the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. We're especially grateful that they stem the spread of unwanted pregnancies and, yes, many people have a preference with regard to brand, color, texture, size, flavor and lubricity. But does anyone actually like condoms?

I don't think so. While condoms are usually a harbinger of good things to come, (pun mostly intended) no one really likes them. Many are embarrassed to buy them. They're inconvenient to carry around and store properly. You have to disrupt the flow of intimacy to put one on. There's a good chance you'll try to roll it on the wrong way in the dark. They diminish the quality of your sexual experience by denying skin-to-skin contact. They break. Withdrawing immediately after orgasm is imperative to insure that it doesn't slip off as the erection fades. Disposing of them isn't fun either - you're not supposed to flush them, you rarely want to leave incriminating evidence in the garbage can and, really, even if you have a good place to dispose of them, do you want to mess with them once they get slimed? And then there's all those people with latex allergies that get red, splotchy and itchy after using them.

No, no one likes them. Still, unless you're trying for kids with your spouse or you like playing sexual Russian roulette, you've got to use them.

D.I. Prime has been working this song off and on for a few years. A demo was cut in the fall of 2000. The version presented here was done in June 2001. Interesting side note: an early version of this song inspired Al K'trazz, a rapper friend of D.I. Prime's, to comment that Prime has no rhythm and can't rap. Damn him for being right. Nonetheless, Prime keeps trying. Maybe he'll get it right one of these days.

For your information, D.I. Prime did not make the pictures atop this page. "Prime Textured" condoms really do exist and this is a perfect opportunity for cross-promotional marketing. Prime (the condom company) could offer D.I. Prime CDs for a special price with enough proofs-of-purchase from the condom boxes. D.I. Prime could sell Prime condoms at shows.

Imagine the commercial: A couple (a man & woman) is shown walking in the door of a concert. Cut to D.I. Prime throwing down on stage. Cut to the thoroughly smitten woman looking longingly at D.I. Prime. The man notices and looks apprehensive. Cut back to D.I. Prime on stage where he notices these events. He smiles as he reaches into his overcoat pocket and pulls out a Prime Textured condom. The camera tracks the trajectory of the condom as D.I. Prime tosses it over the heads of the crowd to the man. The man catches it and, as he realizes what he's caught, starts to smile. Cut to the woman who reluctantly tears her eyes away from D.I. Prime to see what's in her boyfriend's hand. A smile of pure lust crosses her face as she realizes that her ferocious fornication fantasy of having sex with D.I. Prime can practically be fulfilled without having to be unfaithful to her boyfriend, who is adequate in all respects with the sole exception of not being D.I. Prime. Pan out to a wide angle view of the concert hysteria with the couple being an island of tranquility in its center. The woman throws her arms around the man kisses him. Cut to D.I. Prime on stage, nodding approvingly and continuing to rock the house. Cut to the product screen where D.I. Prime supplies the voice over: "Prime Textured condoms - the next best thing to having sex with D.I. Prime!"

{Disclaimer: Your mileage may vary. D.I. Prime's penis may or may not be ribbed and lubricated but its reservoir tip was definitely cut off when he was 8 days old.}

D.I. Prime has to give a shout out to Grindef for contributing the Sam Kinison inspired "voice of reason" before the third verse. Prime would also like to give a shout out to Sam Kinison for coming up with the line in the first place. RIP Sam. The chorus pays tribute to (borrows from or steals from, if you prefer) "Pass The Peas" by the JB's, but since the words have been changed and there's no melody it's probably not an infringement.

Gimme The Music

Download the "Bag The Bone" mp3 (3.7 MB). [NB: This song contains R-rated subject matter and a few words that can't be used on prime time TV.]

Read the "Bag The Bone" lyrics.

© Copyright 2000-2007 D.I. Prime, unless otherwise noted. The chorus owes a debt to "Pass The Peas" by the JB's. Since Prime changed the words and there is no melody, there probably isn't a copyright problem. D.I. also stole a line from Sam Kinison but since it wasn't sampled, he's probably in the clear.