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I'd Rather Be Masturbating

"Five On One"

Think Globally, Masturbate Locally

"To the lonely it is company;
to the forsaken it is a friend;
to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor;
they that be penniless are yet rich,
in that they still have this majestic diversion.
There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."
--Caesar, by way of Mark Twain


This is not being typed with one hand.

Disclaimer The Second

Drooling Idiots, D.I. Prime and droolingidiots.com neither endorse nor condone masturbation. All masturbatory techniques described and practiced herein were performed by trained professionals on a closed course. Do not try this at home.

Disclaimer The Third

That being said, if you do attempt to duplicate the feats mentioned here, maybe it's best to try it at home. Most places have laws that prohibit doing it in public.

Disclaimer The Fourth

Oh, who am I kidding? Go for it! It's neither illegal, immoral nor fattening. Unless you do it in front of unwilling or underage spectators, your religion disapproves or you consume high-calorie foods whilst shaking hands with the unemployed.

Songs About Masturbation

I don't know when people started writing songs about masturbation but it was probably soon after people started masturbating. Unless it was one of those things that was conceived in song and only later mimicked in real life. After all, people do whatever songs suggest. That was the rationale for the PMRC1 and warning labels on CDs. But I digress.

Anthropologically speaking, people probably discovered the special feelings they got when they touched the parts between their legs long before they developed language - or song. I'd put my money on cranking before crooning. Even so, there's still a long history of songs about masturbation and there's an even longer history of making lists of songs about masturbation on the Internet. (TWEET! Overblown hyperbole. On the author. Five yards. Still first down.) Ok, that might be chronologically impossible, but compiling lists of diddling ditties is one of the Internet's favorite pastimes. Don't believe me? Do a Google search.

What follows is not an attempt at a comprehensive list of spanking songs. That's already been done. This is a list of the top five songs that helped inspire D.I. Prime's ode to Onanism. With that in mind, I present to you, on Prime's behalf:

The Top Five Songs About Masturbation
    6.  Be My Girl, Sally - The Police

You may be asking yourself "Why is there a number six spot on a top five list?" Good question. Call it an honorary mention. You may also be asking yourself "Isn't this a song about an inflatable doll? Why is it on a masturbation list?" Well, what else would you call screwing a synthetic simulacrum for solo sexual satisfaction? Well, yes, you could call it "screwing a synthetic simulacrum for solo sexual satisfaction," but that's such a mouthful. Besides, it's no different (in concept) than a woman using a dildo or vibrator and that's considered masturbation. It gets an honorable mention for being non-traditional and promoting the use of sex toys.

5.  Jerkit Circus - Digital Underground

D.I. Prime knows of precisely two Hiphop paeans to pumping. This is the second and it was released in 1993. It was the highlight of Digital Underground's "The Body-hat Syndrome." Of course, Prime maintains that "The Body-hat Syndrome" is the least of D.U.'s albums so that might not be a ringing endorsement but it's still an outstanding track. "Lay it in your hand and you don't need a condom" indeed, although using one might make clean up a bit easier. If nothing else, visiting the Jerkit Circus is cheaper than visiting the Packet Man.

4.  She Bop - Cyndi Lauper

Prime needs a late pass on this one. Back in the day he never paid attention to the lyrics long enough to figure out what the song was about. He made out the vaguely nonsensical chorus and never listened any closer. He can be a lazy son-of-a-bitch sometimes. Luckily, he finally caught on. The woman whose mantra was "girls just wanna have fun" clearly knew how to have fun by herself. If you need to hear a retro rubbing rhapsody by a rowdy red-headed roue, you could do a lot worse.

3.  I Touch Myself - The Divinyls

There's a lesson to be learned about songwriting here. Pay attention. "She Bop" was a cool song. Cyndi sang passionately about how she liked to part the roast beef curtains but she was vague about her inspiration. The woman who sang this song was very specific: "When I think about you I touch myself." Notice how she personalizes it. A listener could easily imagine that she was singing to them. Explicitness doesn't hurt either. "She bop" could be a nonsense scat-like phrase whereas "I touch myself" is unmistakably direct. And when she starts singing about getting down on her knees and doing anything for you... forget about it. This song is great in concept and execution.

2.  Private Joy - Prince

You knew Prince had to be on the list somewhere, didn't you? No? Well, let me tell you, Prime has been a huge Prince fan for years. However, there's such a huge disparity in their talent levels that you may never notice Prince's overt influence in Prime's work. In any event, Prince has done numerous songs that include references to auditioning finger puppets (Jack U Off, All The Critics Love U In New York, Darling Nikki, Pheromone, Superfunkycalifragisexy, The Ride, etc), but this is one of the few that are exclusively about choking the chicken.

1.  Yank My Doodle - Trey Lewd

Although Prime doesn't remember the first time he heard Funkadelic's exhortation to "skin it back and monkey it," he does remember experiencing a moment's regret that he'd been pre-skinned as a baby. Regardless, I doubt his monkeying was impeded much. Trey Lewd is George Clinton's son and this song is from his first album, "Drop The Line". This may or may not be the best song on this list but it was definitely the most influential. At one time, Prime considered covering this song an imperative. That's changed now that Prime has his own song that covers similar territory but it's still the first Hiphop hand humping homily he'd heard.

And that brings us from pre-historical peter pulling postulations to the modern meat mauling melodies that inspired D.I. Prime's "Five On One." Speaking of which...

Five On One

Although this song was recorded in 2003 and it's being released in 2004, it dates back to 1998. On a cold January night, D.I. Prime was hanging out at his parents' house in North Central with Tubley and Tubley's new buddy, a neighborhood kid named Jeff. At some late hour, Jeff declared that he had to go home so Tubley and Prime showed him to the door. As he sat on the floor, putting on his shoes, he declared "I guess I'll go home and schwack it."

Initially, Prime was taken aback by Jeff's forthright proclamation. It didn't seem like the sort of information that a teenager ought to be sharing with an adult he'd just met a couple hours before. Nonetheless, these things must be taken in stride and Prime wished the youngster luck with his autoerotic endeavors and ushered him out the door. Later that night Prime started thinking... "Schwacking it. That's a new one. I wonder what rhymes with schwacking it?" And that's how it started. A couple weeks later a song was completed. A couple months after that it was recorded on a Tascam 488, a cassette-based 8 track. It turned out ok but it wasn't fit for public consumption.

Flash forward almost 6 years. Prime's recording gear has improved greatly and so has his rapping skills. The stars are in alignment and it's finally time to turn that rough demo into finished product. The lyrics were tweaked, the music was completely revamped and a fourth verse was added. Sue Blair The Poet contributed some vocals on the outro. The result can be found below.

Enough already! GIMME!

Download the "Five On One" mp3 (5.8 MB). [NB: This song contains PG-13 subject matter and two words the FCC would frown upon.]

Download a snippet of the "Five On One (original)" mp3 (1.8 MB) to hear the difference between the demo and the final version. [NB: This snippet contains PG-13 subject matter.]

Read the "Five On One" lyrics.

1 The Parental Music Resource Center was founded by a gaggle of censorship-minded Washington wives after Tipper Gore (wife of then-Senator, later Vice President, Al Gore) heard Prince singing about Darling Nikki "masturbating with a magazine"2 on her teenage daughter's "Purple Rain" album.)

2 This line is a beautiful example of artistic vagueness. The full line is "I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine." Who's masturbating in this scenario? Prince or Nikki? It could go either way. And if it's Nikki, is she looking at the magazine or using the rolled up magazine as a dildo? Or if it's Prince, does he have his johnson jammed in a journal that's rolled up to ape an appropriate aperture or is it there merely for more mundane visual stimuation? (Ok, best not to think about those last bits too much. The possibility of paper cuts is making me cringe.)

© Copyright 2000-2007 D.I. Prime, unless otherwise noted.